AI Football Semi Finals

[Thomas J Stamp]

Apparently the GAA are persisting in holding these, despite Dublin losing the other week.

Having attended said said yonder spectacle I have decided to analyse why the rightful winners of this years Sam were conned and cheated out of the championships

1. Products.

There's nothing wrong with Nivea for men. Problem is that when it rains the moisturiser and the deep cleansing soap can run into the eyes, causing them to sting and for for them to water. This was an obvious factor in the Dublin teams performance. Tyrone, on the other hand, used manly products - namely Brut Deodorant. Also, Mickey Harte possesses a secret bunker near Omagh where the last known supplies of Denim aftershave are kept, for the men who didn't, after all, have to try too hard.
Finally, whilst Mark Vaughan and the lads use John Frida on their hair Mulligan of Tyrone uses Bull Seamen on his.

2. Preperation.

There can be no doubt but that Caffrey had the Dubs organised, right down to the smallest detail. All of these plans were trown out the window when the GAA cleverly moved the game back a week. None of Caffreys plans accounted for that and so all the pkans had to be scrapped, and with only a week to organise a new set of plans it was no wonder we were scuppered. For example, we had a white bus to bring the team form Parnell Park to Croker, whereas it was supposed to be a red one. This sort of thing left the team understandably in dissarray.

3. Rain.

Tyrone always win in the rain when they play the Dubs. Also when it isnt raining, but very much when it is. Apart from the aforementioned effect on products, long studs play havock with the aul feet and the application of Nivea to the gloves is somehting that you can get away with in the dry but when it rains it can have a disasterous effect. Also, the demoralising effect it was having on the lads hair was of no help, even Cullen and Griffens hair suffered, and watching your teams mates perm collapse and wilt under pressure is enough to break any Geals heart. Baldy Dooher had no such problems, as you may have noticed.

4. Beards.

As one who occasionally grows one, I can attribute its manlyness and its irresisable effect on "the ladies". Several Tyrone lads not only had beards, but it was fairly obvious that this was due to Mickey Harte repeadidly showing 300 to the players on a loop for the past six months. You can cleatly see them shouting Sparta as they scare the killer goals. On contrast the Dublin team looked like they had no beards, nor indeed, any hair whatsoever (apart from the sylish hair on the top of their heads). This should be number one in the new managers list of things to do: Beards.

5. Warm Up routine

Despite doing it before the Hill, Dublins Warm-up routine resembled something form Jackanory, or Tales from the Riverbank. In contrast Tyrone's warm up looked stright from a Hieronymus Bosch desription of Hell, as various players were hoisted up on scaffords with Hearte driving nails through various players arms and affixing them to the goalposts.

6. Tyrone players repeatly feigning injury/pulling the shirts off Dublin players as they went for the ball/persistantly fouling/a totaly biased Kerry bollocks of a ref/scoring goals that shouldn't have counted/

Perhaps.

[Thomas Ralph]

You forgot fouling the ball in 6.